How can learning to ask instead of tell improve your family relationships?
Parents long for close relationships with their children. They want the very best in life for them. It is only natural to share the experiences they have gained to protect their children from repeating their parents’ mistakes. How often does this fall on silent ears? Parents carry a voice of authority and sharing experiences can be heard as telling what to do. I often wondered why my own children and spouse did not take heed of my advice. I shared from my heart, wanting only the best for them. It was not until I attended the DSWA Coach Excellence school that I began to understand.
People want to be in control of their own destiny, especially teenagers and young adults. As coaches, we ask permission to offer suggestions and always make sure that it is understood that our clients have the right to accept, reject or pass on our questions. They feel safe sharing because they are in a space without judgment. As I experienced the instant trust and deep sharing of my clients, I began to recognize the difference in my interactions with my family. As Mark Semple, a DSWA Coach Excellence faculty member, often says, “A coach is who we are, not what we do.” How could being a coach in all my relationships make a difference?
I began asking more questions, talking less and listening more. My husband and adult children began to share more. My son has always been more reserved and not much of a talker, at least to his parents. As his wedding approached, I used the opportunity to try out my new skills. Sitting down with my son and his fiancé to talk about the wedding, I knew that I had a lot of ideas about how the wedding might look. To avoid my ‘telling’ behavior, I began the conversation by asking what the most important pieces of the wedding were to each of them. I learned that my daughter-in-law wanted to be sure her family and friends had a good time. My son wanted a casual rehearsal dinner. I was able to work toward their vision of the wedding and we had a wonderful day without any strains or disappointments on anyone’s part. As I continue to ask more, talk less and listen more, my son shares more. We now enjoy going to lunch and have plenty to say when we catch up on the phone. Similar experiences exist in my other family relationships.
It really is true, as I become better at coaching, I am learning to ‘be’ a coach. It shows up in all the areas of my life. My relationships are healthier and stronger. I experience more vulnerability in others and in myself. What a surprise to learn that my new career would enhance my life and relationships in such a dramatic way!
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